Ten Things I Noticed While Watching The Oscars.

1. Jon Stewart is a gift to the world. Funny without being either too crass or too cutting. Human, as evidenced by the fact that he brought out that lovely Marketa to finish her acceptance speech. Sort of adorable. Very self-deprecating. Managed to make a political joke or two that everyone could laugh at, from that groan-inducing short-doc winner lady right down to Charlton Heston.

2. I love Irish people. When Marketa Irglova and Glen Hansard came out to accept their Oscar for best song, Glen was all teary and verklempt and fabulous, exhorting us all to Make Art! and by golly, I wanted to! I defy to you show me another soul on the planet more plaintive and convincing than a singing Irishman.

3. Jack Nicholson will never die. Seriously. He has been in that same seat at the Oscars for fifteen years and hasn't aged a day. Or changed his sunglasses. Or stopped making completely incoherent yet somehow inappropriate comments during his inevitable speech about... something...

4. Hilary Swank has big teeth.
...and, it would seem, a malfunctioning foundation garment. Ahem.

5. What is David Bowie doing at the Oscars? In a dress?

6. Remember when Colin Farrell used to be hot? When women all over the world were rendered defenseless by his suavitude and devil-may-careosity? In like 2001? Yeah, he hasn't washed his hair since then.

7. One of the "Oscar Escorts" (which is satisfyingly alliterative, don't you agree?) -- the girls who escort the winners into the wings -- forgot to put her Spanx on before she took to the stage. As any woman will tell you, no matter how thin you are, shiny gold satin + blinding TV-friendly lighting + the FRICKIN OSCARS, PEOPLE = you must wear something under your dress.

8. Miley Cyrus, alternatively known as Hannah Montana (right? Or is it one of those other ones?), Billy Ray "Achy-Breaky" Cyrus's fifteen-year-old daughter, was inexplicably a presenter last night. WHA? Why? And I hate to ding a teenager, though really the ding falls on her "stylist," but she has got to stop dressing like a former stripper who now wants to make herself seem like a serious actress. She's fifteen! Put her in some sweet, modest pastel thing, not a fire-engine-red gown with bad extensions and too much makeup! And the duck lips? Girl. Whoever told you that sticking your lips out makes you look sultry needs to look up the word "sultry" again. And remember that you are fifteen.

9. I'm with Heather -- Helen Mirren, don't you ever get tired of looking fabulous? Don't you ever want to throw on what Tilda/David/Annie up there has on (several garbage bags, I think, through which she has poked her very orange head, or perhaps a prop from a Vegas magic show) and just forget about the whole thing?

10. I saw a lot of strapless dresses last night, and, lovely as many of them were, they did nothing but rouse a desire to shout, "Hitch! It! Up!" at the screen. Seriously, don't these celebs have stylists or bodyguards or minders or something to whisper discreetly that the gown is heading south? They could even come up with some clever code. "Jessica, I think that's all the time we can give to Ryan Seacrest, and purple monkey dishwasher."

Welp, that's our Oscar roundup for the year, folks. All in all, I was glad it went on, and still don't care a fig about any of the films, and enjoyed laughing at Jon Stewart and rolling my eyes at Jack Nicholson, so a night well spent, I think.


Angus said...

Sadly I missed the Oscars as I was watching HIMYAM and Gossip Girl with my housemates, but I caught up in the papers and on GoFugYourself.

1) No dresses really stood out to me, except the French chic's (see what I've done there?) "duck feather" thing. It looked good, but the necklace was a bit much. And yes, strapless is the new black. And feathers and frills appear to be back in? Um... this is a bad development.

2) Colin Farrell! What happened dude??! I blame Oliver Stone, Miami Vice, and that interview where he said "I take a gazillion drugs a week".

3) Miley Cyrus should not have been a presenter. FACT.

4) What happened to the movies we've heard of??? Do no one do anything worth rewarding in a movie that someone actually saw?

Laura said...

1. I actually believe they were fish scales. Including concentric fish scales on certain parts that didn't necessarily need additional emphasis.

2. Poor poor disgustingly greasy Nolte-esque Colin. It's a tragedy, really.


4. Well, three extremely well-deserved tech Oscars for The Bourne Ultimatum. But other than that... Although I must say I'm glad they've stayed away from awarding populist drivel. Remember James Cameron in 1998, and let's all just agree that we won't go back there ever again.

Angus said...

2. I remember when women (and Shiloh in particular!) were going nuts over teeny-tiny Irish Colin Farrell. It's sort of sad for the ladies of the world that he's slobby and greasy now.

4. I just worry that the Oscars will become irrelevant by only focusing on arthouse movies. Where was the love for (Big) Will(y Style) Smith in I Am Legend?? He was great in that movie!

Laura's mom said...

Thanks, Laura. I laughed out loud, especially at the "purple monkey dishwasher" part. (wipes eyes. Good times.)
Also at this: "beer The value of the item is in the collectible container, not its content" Oops! Sorry! Your father must have had something else on the clipboard.
This"Helen Mirren in a flattering, age-appropriate yet not dowdy, comfortable-looking but still sexy gray dress -- holding her autobiography, which rightly features a giant photo of her face -- should make anyone feel at least mildly better about the state of the world, even if it's just in a "I wonder how's she's avoided being cast in Harry Potter yet -- OH! Speaking of, I totally forgot I hid some CHOCOLATE FROGS IN MY DESK! Thank GOD, all is not lost!" sort of way."
I loved that from Go fug yourself.
and your dad actually watched some of the Oscars; more from there's nothing else on rather than a desire to honor Hillarywood (Hollyobama?)
Have a great day - I love you.

Laura said...

Hahaha, mom! That was awesome.

Angus, 4. Yes, that's a good point, but I think it's a bit better for the Oscars to have an aspirational element than to tell James Cameron he is, in fact, king of the world, as the voices in his head made him suspect all along. I think we plebes will never quite understand the inner workings of Oscar voting.

Laura said...

Oh, and also, "purple monkey dishwasher" is a quote from the Simpsons, so I can't take credit for it.